Friendship...?

Ok...multiple posts in one day. I'm feeling a little down today so I guess this is my therapy. It is very long, so I'm breaking it up into multiple posts. :)

First...Friends...

I have been in SL almost two months, and I have exactly 0 friends. Oh...I have people on my friends list. But that is where it ends. We never seem to get together and do anything. At best we exchange hellos on IM. Some I have never talked to again. I know it is partly (mostly) my fault. I am not, by nature, a very outgoing person. I tend to wait for things to happen, instead of making them happen. It is very hard for me to introduce myself. I tend to hang out on the sidelines, looking like a forlorn wallflower. And when someone does offer friendship, I am not likely to try to start a conversation later when I see they are on. I get an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to disturb them, or be a bother. In fact, now that I think about it. That is my driving fear. I don't want to 'be a bother'. How sad is that? I would rather wander around alone than take the chance of being a burden or feeling unwelcome.
It also doesn't help that I either stay at home working on a project, or I go to a club (Either Bogart's, Phats, or the Seabreeze...all jazz clubs). I guess that just like RL, if you want to make quality relationships, a club is not the place to spend your time. So when I am on, it is always what do *I* want to do. Where am *I* going. When what I really want is a community. I want to be asking where are *we* going. Do *we* want to check out this place I've heard about. I just can't get past this 'being a bother' fear.

Second...sex...

I've been putting off thinking about how I feel about this. In almost two months, I haven't done anything. In fact, I think I have gone out of my way to avoid it. At least, when it comes up, I do my best to change the subject. I even have a bathing suit with a skirt. It is a two-piece, but about as modest as they can get. In fact, I had a date with one guy who took me to a secluded beach, and he actually said "I expected you to have a one-piece". He thought I was a complete prude! (Which is probably why I haven't heard from him again... c'est la vie)

Forcing myself to think about it, and looking back at how I have behaved, I can see what he meant. I'm not against the idea of sex. In fact, the more comfortable I am getting in SL, the more comfortable I am becoming with it. Early on, I even spent one night touring various places: public rooms, beaches, even dungeons, bdsm clubs, and a Gor sim or two. A lot of what I found was disturbing, a little sparked my imagination and peaked my curiosity. But...the instant someone would talk to me (and for a girl in a sex sim it can be measured in nano-seconds!) I would panic. Oh no! He said something...he wants sex! And I would change the subject..."No, I'm just visiting", "I'm exploring", basically anything I could think of to put the person off.

And there we come back to it: panic....fear. Just like with friends. I don't want to 'be a bother' or in this case 'be a flop'. When it comes to online, I have never done it before. I'm not sure I know how. Oh, I know what goes on. But when I try to imagine myself doing it, I get to "what am I going to say?", "what can I describe the the other person will like?", "what if they don't?".

So, I am not against a SL sexual relationship. But, I think I will need to find someone that I know I can trust completely, who understands my hangups, and who will help me work past them at my own pace. Not exactly a small order! Until then, my little xcite bits (yes I actually bought them. I don't know what I was thinking that night!) can stay right there in their folder.